Life

Not really upside down. Not left and definitely not right. My life is just sorta upside around. That's the best term that I can think of to describe whats going on with me right now. I'm as I have always been. Stressed out, hyper, tired, hungry and slightly peeved that I can't just hide in the bottom of a bottle. I'm looking forward to what tomorrow has in store for me. I'm still fighting the good fight to leave yesterday where it lies without forgetting the lessons it has brought me. I am still afraid of love. I'm still afraid of happiness. I am still terrified to open up my eyes and look at the consequences of my decisions. They have hurt too many people. I'm a coward. I'm not ready to man up and admit to the one's I've hurt that I realize I'm a fuck up. More afraid that I'm not in any real position to stare them in their tear veiled eyes and say that I'm all better. I'm working towards better. I'm working towards a better tomorrow. I'm working towards that person I want to be. I'm over trying to fit into the box. Whatever box that is that has been laid out for me won't fit. It doesn't matter the shape or size. I did not make this box so I will never fit into it. Here I am (dead sober, sick, annoyed, scared) trying to be brave in the face of absolute devastation and loss..just trying to live life hard. Live life to the fullest..but live my life the way I see fit. Cause its my life to live, even if I fuck up a lot. I still have to do it my way cause no one other than myself has to face me in the mirror.

There you have it...thoughts from my cold riddled brain...just another peek into my tainted and worn out soul.

ALL ALONE

Image by Pandiyan via Flickr

So at this point I'm still sleeping in my car and staying at different friends houses. I was looking for a job and just trying to live. Not having any money sucked because I ended up writing a bunch of bad checks for food, gas, clothes, blankets, etc. Money that I still owe til this day! My friend Rachel who was awesome enough to sleep in my car with me some nights and let me stay at her grandma's a few times! Her and I decided to move into my dads. My dad left one afternoon and was gone for a few days. Rachel and I were like what the hell is going on. Come to find out my dad also had a substance abuse problem. I was just like whatever. I needed a place to live. Well my grandma comes over and tells me that my dad is in jail. SWEET!! Am I ever gonna live in a healthy environment?? It's not looking like it at this point! I finally get a job. I'm months behind on my car payment so now I'll finally be able to start paying. Well that didn't happen cause we got a disconnect notice from NIPSCO. We had to pay like $500 or it was getting shut off. So we got all of our money together, borrowed money and sold a few things so we weren't without power! One of the girls I worked with was sweet enough to lend me the money to make my car payment. I tell my dad that I had to borrow money to make my car payment because all the money I had went to pay the NIPSCO bill. He was like "do you have $20"? I'm like seriously! I just told him I had to borrow money! He keeps asking me for money. I just paid his $500 NIPSCO bill! It wasn't like any of that bill was part of mine cause I just moved in there! Well I couldn't deal with him anymore! So I pack my belongings in my car and head to my mom's. I didn't want to go live with her cause there really wasn't room for me and she still had a substance abuse problem. I get to my mom's place and I didn't like it at all. So I wasn't really ever there, I just had my belongings there. I didn't know anyone from the area. All my friends lived in a different county. So I spent most of my time staying with friends. One night I was at the place I was working and in comes a Repo man. I was like sweet, he's here for my car. The man was cool tho and let me get all my belongings out of my car. It didn't help that I just moved and never finished getting everything out of my car. I was lucky enough that one of my friends let me put my stuff in his car and give me a ride back to my mom's.

Forgive

Please forgive me for not posting lately. I'm just having a hard time trying to get all this out. I know what I want to say, I just can't put the words in order so that you'll understand. My life has been so crazy, confusing, exhausting. I need to share the past so that I can live my life to fullest.

Going INSANE

My brothers Senior Prom was the other day and I wasn't able to see him and share a special moment with him.  I miss him and my other siblings so damn much.  I'm not an only child, but that's what I feel like.  I just want to spend time with them.  I don't know much about them and it hurts me.  I want to know who their friends are, what their favorite food; song; color; movie are.  That's not to much to ask, is it?  I feel haunted by my moms past drug addiction everyday. I try not to think about the past and just make my future better, but it's hard.  I just want to spend a little time with my brothers and sisters.   I forgive my mom for the past, but this is the one thing that still really bothers me!  

Relationship

As I said in one of my last posts I met Danny when I was 16yrs old and he was 20. We started dating not long after we met. He was nice, caring, funny and I liked being with him. About 6 months after we started dating I found out I was pregnant. I was excited but more scared than anything. Danny and I get an apartment together and start living our life. Our relationship was good and he took care of me. We had our fights just like every other relationship does, but we always worked things out. I had my son in Dec of '00. When my son was about 5 months old I found out I was pregnant again. I was excited and hoped for a little girl. My wish came true and in Feb of '02 I had my daughter. My son was very good with his new little sister. He always gave her lots of kisses. It was so sweet and always made me smile. I was lucky enough to be able to stay at home and take care of my kids because Danny had a good job. I was only 18 and it was hard, but I did it. After being in the house all day and taking care of 2 kids, you have to get out of the house once in awhile and have some "you" time. Well that was a problem for Danny. I would ask to go to the store, just so I could get out of the house. He would always be like, "what for you don't have any money"? I just wanted to go walk around the damn store. I didn't think anything was wrong with that! Things between Danny and I just kept getting worse. Our fights turned into him throwing things at me e.g. Coffee Table. I felt like I was trapped in the house and not able to do anything. I just wanted to have "me" time! Things weren't getting any better! I didn't want to keep myself in a situation like that. I didn't know what to do though. I didn't have money or a job. Where was I going to live? Well I decided the best thing to do was to leave. Unfortunately the best thing to do was to leave the kids with Danny. He was a good dad, had a good job, and had a roof to keep over their heads. I didn't want to leave them, but I didn't want them to see us fighting all the time. When I moved out, I slept in my car, stayed at my friends. It was hard and I hated it so much. I just wanted to be with my kids. I have no job, no money, no stable place to live. I'm pretty much homeless at this point. What the hell was I suppose to do???

BOGUS PEOPLE

I love how people leave comments on my blog but can't say who they are. Why can't you say who you are? Why do you have to be "anonymous"? What are you scared of? If you can't say who you are then maybe you need to mind your own damn business and fuck off.

For someone to say "this is the most self-loathing piece of work" is completely wrong. How is me telling my life story self-loathing? It's not! I'm doing this to help break down walls and move on in life. I want to better myself and better the life of others around me. So for you people that want to continue to hate on me go right away. So you and your "anonymous" shit talkin ass can keep on keepin' on. Keep living your lame life. If you can't say who you are, then why comment? People need to learn how to express themselves, show their emotions and know there's nothing wrong with doing those things. PEACE OUT

My brothers and sister

After my mother and Tom divorced my family still got to see my brothers and sister on a regular basis. That lasted until a new woman came into Tom's life. A woman named Laurie. Laurie was from Washington. The way she meet Tom is messed up. My aunts ex husband met Laurie on the internet and she came here to stay with him. Well my cousins couldn't stand this lady and made her leave their house. So now Laurie has no where to go and Tom was nice enough to let her come stay with him. So now she took care of my brothers and sister. I was glad that Tom finally had something good come his way. As time went on Tom and Laurie started dating and they ended up getting married. My brothers and sister only came around once in awhile. They weren't allowed to see my mother which I completely understand. I wouldn't want my kids around someone who was using drugs and who was in and out of their life. I was able to see my brothers and sister on and off. Until one time I went there on my brothers birthday. My mom had given me a card to give to him. I was going to ask Tom before I gave it to him, but my other brother took the card from me and said I have to hide this. Well that was a bad mistake cause Tom or Laurie found it. After that I wasn't allowed to see or speak to them. As time went on no one in my family was allowed to see them. Come to find out Tom and Laurie were also keeping them from seeing Tom's family except a select few. My brothers and sister were being told not to call Tom's mom grandma because that wasn't his real mom, he's adopted. Who in their right mind does these things to kids.

Time goes on. We find out that Tom is sick with cancer. At this point in time I haven't seen or spoke to Tom or my brothers and sister in a long time. I was devastated. I considered Tom to be my father because he was always there for me. So now I have a mother who is an addict and Tom who is dying of cancer. Tom and Laurie decide that want Laurie to adopt my brothers and sister. I was like that can't happen. Laurie left her own kids in Washington to come live with a guy she met on the internet and then got handed off to Tom. They won't ever let some lady who left her own kids adopt someone elses kids. Well I was wrong. I went to court with my mom for the hearing. Since my mother didn't have or try to contact my brothers and sister in over a year they let Laurie adopt them. I'm just like how the hell does something like that happen. Something isn't right with someone being able to adopt kids when they left their own kids. Tom's cancer is only getting worse. The cancer ended up taking his life at the age of 46 on June 19th 2006, the day after Father's Day. I never got to say my goodbyes to him. He was cremated and there was no showing. There was a service that I went to with a few of my family memebers. At the service I got to see my brothers and sister, but I only got to speak a few words to them. One of my brothers who was 15 at the time just gave me a dirty look. That broke my heart.

Going Back In Time

I was brought into this world on September 1st 1983. I was born to unwed parents. My parents didn't stay together much longer after I was born. I lived my mother and grandparents. I seen my father (Larry) off and on. When I was about 5yrs old my mother (Sharon) married a man named Tom. We moved in with Tom. I called Tom dad since my biological father was never really around. Tom was more a father to me than mo so-called father was. My mother and Tom gave me 2 brothers and a sister. My life was good. I started going over to my biological fathers more often. My father been in a relationship with a lady named Cheryl and they gave me a sister. So by the time I was about 13 I had 2 brothers and 2 sisters. They were only my half brothers and sisters, but I never looked at it that way. My sister that was brought into this world by my father (Larry) and Cheryl I didn't have a close relationship with. We didn't see each other often. For some reason I decided that I really didn't want to spend time with my father (Larry) so I never go to bond with my sister. As for my brothers and sister brought into this world by my mother (Sharon) and Tom I had a wonderful relationship with. My family was my mother, Tom my brothers Justin and Cody and my sister Megan. My mother has 2 sisters Sheila and Sandy and 2 brothers Mark and Mike. My mothers parents Bobby and Margaret were always around to help and do things with their grand kids. I love them dearly!! Tom was adoptive when he was a baby by a wonderful woman named June. I considered her my grandma. We spent a lot of time with her. My father (Larry) had a wonderful mother named Viola :) I ♥ her sooo much. As for his father. He wasn't around much. I don't know much about him, I can't even think of his name right now. My father (Larry) has 8 brothers and sisters. Many of them live in different states so I never really got to see them, except his sisters Nancy and Debbie.

My life was good. I had a loving and caring family that made sure I had food, clothes, a roof over my head and made sure I was healthy. I couldn't of asked for more.

Then something changed when I was around 14yrs old. Something that changed my life and my family's life forever. My mother started working for my Uncle Mark's wife at a bar. I could tell something was different about my mother, but I wasn't sure what it was. I started to notice that she wasn't around like she use to be. I could also tell that there was something wrong with Tom. I never really asked what was going on. I was in my Freshman year of H.S. and when I came home from school my grandfather was watching my brothers and sister. My grandfather would leave and I would have to take care of my brothers and sisters, make dinner, so that it was ready when Tom got home from work. At the time my brothers were 8 and 5 my sister was 2. I use to think to myself, where's my mom and why am I the one having to do all this. I never knew why. My mother and Tom separated around Dec of '05. Tom told me that I was more than welcome to stay and live with him. I didn't feel right so I left with my mother. We moved in with my grandparents. Not long after living with my grandparents, they informed me that my mother was doing drugs. Her use of narcotics was pretty much taking over her whole life:( I finally knew what was going on and why everything was the way it was. My mother wasn't really around. So it was just my grandparents and I. I was lucky enough to have a best friend that I've known since I was about 3yrs old that lived 2 houses from my grandparents. While living at my grandparents, I started dating a boy named Nick. He was my first bf, first love, first everything. Being around my friends helped me not think about all that was going on. My brothers and sisters were allowed to come over to my grandparents. I was very thankful for that! My mother met a man named Mark and decided to move in with him. I was invited to move with her and I did. I didn't want to make my mom feel as if I didn't care for her so I wanted to stay with her. We live with Mark for awhile. My brothers and sisters got to come there as well. My mother wasn't doing to bad, so it seemed. Until one day Mark kicked us out cause my mom was gone for a couple days doing drugs most likely. So I got to pack my things again and move back to my grandparents. By this time I wasn't even going to school much, cause it was all just to much for me. So again I'm back at my grandparents and my mother is just getting worse. My mother was working at the time so she was making money. She got an apartment and I moved with her again. We didn't stay long because she was spending all her money on drugs. So again back to my grandparents house. Then Nick and I break up so I feel all sorts of alone. I'm only 15 at this point!

I decided that I wanted to go back to school so in August '99 I go back. I turn 16 in September and I'm in school doing well. My whole life I always did good in school. I always got A's and B's. It was just to much to deal with that I decided to drop out. I'm still living with my grandparents and my mother was never around. She was always out doing drugs. I wasn't seeing my brothers and sister to often cause Tom had started seeing a woman named Laurie and they just stopped coming around as often. I started seeing a guy named Danny who was 20. After about 6 months of dating, I became pregnant. Danny and I get an apartment together. My mom was around off and on. She met a man named Chris and married him in Nov '00. I gave birth to my son in Dec '00. A few days before my son was born Danny and I got engaged. I'm now 17 have a child and engaged. Things seemed to be well. In about June of '01 I found out I was pregnant again. I give birth to my daughter in Feb of '02. My mother wasn't there for the birth of my daughter because her addiction had taken over her life. That made me feel horrible. A few days later she comes around.

I was always so worried about my mother because I knew the things that had happened to her while she was out using. She had been robbeb, car jacked, beaten, arrested. One night I get a phone call from the police saying they found my mom unconscious in a ditch. My mom had no clue what had happened and how she ended up in a ditch. I started to think that she would never get better. She tried rehab and it didn't help her.

About a week before I gave birth to my son in Dec of '00 my grandmother(my moms mom) passed away. She had been sick for awhile, but it was still devastating. My mom was so messed up on drugs that nothing seemed to phase her. At this point in time, I could care less if I never talked to her again.

My mom and her husband were both doing drugs. So now I have someone who is enabling my mom to do drugs. What's it going to take for her to stop using?!

When you have a drug ADDICTION it takes over your whole life and affects everyone around you!!

THIS IS FROM THE TIME I WAS BORN UNTIL I WAS ABOUT 18YRS OLD. So there's still lots more for me to share.