Going INSANE

My brothers Senior Prom was the other day and I wasn't able to see him and share a special moment with him.  I miss him and my other siblings so damn much.  I'm not an only child, but that's what I feel like.  I just want to spend time with them.  I don't know much about them and it hurts me.  I want to know who their friends are, what their favorite food; song; color; movie are.  That's not to much to ask, is it?  I feel haunted by my moms past drug addiction everyday. I try not to think about the past and just make my future better, but it's hard.  I just want to spend a little time with my brothers and sisters.   I forgive my mom for the past, but this is the one thing that still really bothers me!  

Relationship

As I said in one of my last posts I met Danny when I was 16yrs old and he was 20. We started dating not long after we met. He was nice, caring, funny and I liked being with him. About 6 months after we started dating I found out I was pregnant. I was excited but more scared than anything. Danny and I get an apartment together and start living our life. Our relationship was good and he took care of me. We had our fights just like every other relationship does, but we always worked things out. I had my son in Dec of '00. When my son was about 5 months old I found out I was pregnant again. I was excited and hoped for a little girl. My wish came true and in Feb of '02 I had my daughter. My son was very good with his new little sister. He always gave her lots of kisses. It was so sweet and always made me smile. I was lucky enough to be able to stay at home and take care of my kids because Danny had a good job. I was only 18 and it was hard, but I did it. After being in the house all day and taking care of 2 kids, you have to get out of the house once in awhile and have some "you" time. Well that was a problem for Danny. I would ask to go to the store, just so I could get out of the house. He would always be like, "what for you don't have any money"? I just wanted to go walk around the damn store. I didn't think anything was wrong with that! Things between Danny and I just kept getting worse. Our fights turned into him throwing things at me e.g. Coffee Table. I felt like I was trapped in the house and not able to do anything. I just wanted to have "me" time! Things weren't getting any better! I didn't want to keep myself in a situation like that. I didn't know what to do though. I didn't have money or a job. Where was I going to live? Well I decided the best thing to do was to leave. Unfortunately the best thing to do was to leave the kids with Danny. He was a good dad, had a good job, and had a roof to keep over their heads. I didn't want to leave them, but I didn't want them to see us fighting all the time. When I moved out, I slept in my car, stayed at my friends. It was hard and I hated it so much. I just wanted to be with my kids. I have no job, no money, no stable place to live. I'm pretty much homeless at this point. What the hell was I suppose to do???

My brothers and sister

After my mother and Tom divorced my family still got to see my brothers and sister on a regular basis. That lasted until a new woman came into Tom's life. A woman named Laurie. Laurie was from Washington. The way she meet Tom is messed up. My aunts ex husband met Laurie on the internet and she came here to stay with him. Well my cousins couldn't stand this lady and made her leave their house. So now Laurie has no where to go and Tom was nice enough to let her come stay with him. So now she took care of my brothers and sister. I was glad that Tom finally had something good come his way. As time went on Tom and Laurie started dating and they ended up getting married. My brothers and sister only came around once in awhile. They weren't allowed to see my mother which I completely understand. I wouldn't want my kids around someone who was using drugs and who was in and out of their life. I was able to see my brothers and sister on and off. Until one time I went there on my brothers birthday. My mom had given me a card to give to him. I was going to ask Tom before I gave it to him, but my other brother took the card from me and said I have to hide this. Well that was a bad mistake cause Tom or Laurie found it. After that I wasn't allowed to see or speak to them. As time went on no one in my family was allowed to see them. Come to find out Tom and Laurie were also keeping them from seeing Tom's family except a select few. My brothers and sister were being told not to call Tom's mom grandma because that wasn't his real mom, he's adopted. Who in their right mind does these things to kids.

Time goes on. We find out that Tom is sick with cancer. At this point in time I haven't seen or spoke to Tom or my brothers and sister in a long time. I was devastated. I considered Tom to be my father because he was always there for me. So now I have a mother who is an addict and Tom who is dying of cancer. Tom and Laurie decide that want Laurie to adopt my brothers and sister. I was like that can't happen. Laurie left her own kids in Washington to come live with a guy she met on the internet and then got handed off to Tom. They won't ever let some lady who left her own kids adopt someone elses kids. Well I was wrong. I went to court with my mom for the hearing. Since my mother didn't have or try to contact my brothers and sister in over a year they let Laurie adopt them. I'm just like how the hell does something like that happen. Something isn't right with someone being able to adopt kids when they left their own kids. Tom's cancer is only getting worse. The cancer ended up taking his life at the age of 46 on June 19th 2006, the day after Father's Day. I never got to say my goodbyes to him. He was cremated and there was no showing. There was a service that I went to with a few of my family memebers. At the service I got to see my brothers and sister, but I only got to speak a few words to them. One of my brothers who was 15 at the time just gave me a dirty look. That broke my heart.