Life

Not really upside down. Not left and definitely not right. My life is just sorta upside around. That's the best term that I can think of to describe whats going on with me right now. I'm as I have always been. Stressed out, hyper, tired, hungry and slightly peeved that I can't just hide in the bottom of a bottle. I'm looking forward to what tomorrow has in store for me. I'm still fighting the good fight to leave yesterday where it lies without forgetting the lessons it has brought me. I am still afraid of love. I'm still afraid of happiness. I am still terrified to open up my eyes and look at the consequences of my decisions. They have hurt too many people. I'm a coward. I'm not ready to man up and admit to the one's I've hurt that I realize I'm a fuck up. More afraid that I'm not in any real position to stare them in their tear veiled eyes and say that I'm all better. I'm working towards better. I'm working towards a better tomorrow. I'm working towards that person I want to be. I'm over trying to fit into the box. Whatever box that is that has been laid out for me won't fit. It doesn't matter the shape or size. I did not make this box so I will never fit into it. Here I am (dead sober, sick, annoyed, scared) trying to be brave in the face of absolute devastation and loss..just trying to live life hard. Live life to the fullest..but live my life the way I see fit. Cause its my life to live, even if I fuck up a lot. I still have to do it my way cause no one other than myself has to face me in the mirror.

There you have it...thoughts from my cold riddled brain...just another peek into my tainted and worn out soul.