Love Isn’t Just A Feeling

Love is a choice, and love is something we all need to do. If you don’t believe in love, then I believe you’re missing out on some of the greatest experiences in life. There’s different types of love. You love your parents, children, friends, boyfriend/girlfriend, husband/wife all in different ways. Being IN LOVE is something on its own level. You will know when you’re truly in love and wont ever want to lose it.
There’s been times in the past when I was in love but in retrospect I realized I wasn’t truly in love. Yes I loved those people, but it wasn’t true love. I have found true love and it literally takes my breath away everyday. I wouldn’t trade this love for anything.

Life

Not really upside down. Not left and definitely not right. My life is just sorta upside around. That's the best term that I can think of to describe whats going on with me right now. I'm as I have always been. Stressed out, hyper, tired, hungry and slightly peeved that I can't just hide in the bottom of a bottle. I'm looking forward to what tomorrow has in store for me. I'm still fighting the good fight to leave yesterday where it lies without forgetting the lessons it has brought me. I am still afraid of love. I'm still afraid of happiness. I am still terrified to open up my eyes and look at the consequences of my decisions. They have hurt too many people. I'm a coward. I'm not ready to man up and admit to the one's I've hurt that I realize I'm a fuck up. More afraid that I'm not in any real position to stare them in their tear veiled eyes and say that I'm all better. I'm working towards better. I'm working towards a better tomorrow. I'm working towards that person I want to be. I'm over trying to fit into the box. Whatever box that is that has been laid out for me won't fit. It doesn't matter the shape or size. I did not make this box so I will never fit into it. Here I am (dead sober, sick, annoyed, scared) trying to be brave in the face of absolute devastation and loss..just trying to live life hard. Live life to the fullest..but live my life the way I see fit. Cause its my life to live, even if I fuck up a lot. I still have to do it my way cause no one other than myself has to face me in the mirror.

There you have it...thoughts from my cold riddled brain...just another peek into my tainted and worn out soul.

ALL ALONE

Image by Pandiyan via Flickr

So at this point I'm still sleeping in my car and staying at different friends houses. I was looking for a job and just trying to live. Not having any money sucked because I ended up writing a bunch of bad checks for food, gas, clothes, blankets, etc. Money that I still owe til this day! My friend Rachel who was awesome enough to sleep in my car with me some nights and let me stay at her grandma's a few times! Her and I decided to move into my dads. My dad left one afternoon and was gone for a few days. Rachel and I were like what the hell is going on. Come to find out my dad also had a substance abuse problem. I was just like whatever. I needed a place to live. Well my grandma comes over and tells me that my dad is in jail. SWEET!! Am I ever gonna live in a healthy environment?? It's not looking like it at this point! I finally get a job. I'm months behind on my car payment so now I'll finally be able to start paying. Well that didn't happen cause we got a disconnect notice from NIPSCO. We had to pay like $500 or it was getting shut off. So we got all of our money together, borrowed money and sold a few things so we weren't without power! One of the girls I worked with was sweet enough to lend me the money to make my car payment. I tell my dad that I had to borrow money to make my car payment because all the money I had went to pay the NIPSCO bill. He was like "do you have $20"? I'm like seriously! I just told him I had to borrow money! He keeps asking me for money. I just paid his $500 NIPSCO bill! It wasn't like any of that bill was part of mine cause I just moved in there! Well I couldn't deal with him anymore! So I pack my belongings in my car and head to my mom's. I didn't want to go live with her cause there really wasn't room for me and she still had a substance abuse problem. I get to my mom's place and I didn't like it at all. So I wasn't really ever there, I just had my belongings there. I didn't know anyone from the area. All my friends lived in a different county. So I spent most of my time staying with friends. One night I was at the place I was working and in comes a Repo man. I was like sweet, he's here for my car. The man was cool tho and let me get all my belongings out of my car. It didn't help that I just moved and never finished getting everything out of my car. I was lucky enough that one of my friends let me put my stuff in his car and give me a ride back to my mom's.

Forgive

Please forgive me for not posting lately. I'm just having a hard time trying to get all this out. I know what I want to say, I just can't put the words in order so that you'll understand. My life has been so crazy, confusing, exhausting. I need to share the past so that I can live my life to fullest.

Going INSANE

My brothers Senior Prom was the other day and I wasn't able to see him and share a special moment with him.  I miss him and my other siblings so damn much.  I'm not an only child, but that's what I feel like.  I just want to spend time with them.  I don't know much about them and it hurts me.  I want to know who their friends are, what their favorite food; song; color; movie are.  That's not to much to ask, is it?  I feel haunted by my moms past drug addiction everyday. I try not to think about the past and just make my future better, but it's hard.  I just want to spend a little time with my brothers and sisters.   I forgive my mom for the past, but this is the one thing that still really bothers me!  

Relationship

As I said in one of my last posts I met Danny when I was 16yrs old and he was 20. We started dating not long after we met. He was nice, caring, funny and I liked being with him. About 6 months after we started dating I found out I was pregnant. I was excited but more scared than anything. Danny and I get an apartment together and start living our life. Our relationship was good and he took care of me. We had our fights just like every other relationship does, but we always worked things out. I had my son in Dec of '00. When my son was about 5 months old I found out I was pregnant again. I was excited and hoped for a little girl. My wish came true and in Feb of '02 I had my daughter. My son was very good with his new little sister. He always gave her lots of kisses. It was so sweet and always made me smile. I was lucky enough to be able to stay at home and take care of my kids because Danny had a good job. I was only 18 and it was hard, but I did it. After being in the house all day and taking care of 2 kids, you have to get out of the house once in awhile and have some "you" time. Well that was a problem for Danny. I would ask to go to the store, just so I could get out of the house. He would always be like, "what for you don't have any money"? I just wanted to go walk around the damn store. I didn't think anything was wrong with that! Things between Danny and I just kept getting worse. Our fights turned into him throwing things at me e.g. Coffee Table. I felt like I was trapped in the house and not able to do anything. I just wanted to have "me" time! Things weren't getting any better! I didn't want to keep myself in a situation like that. I didn't know what to do though. I didn't have money or a job. Where was I going to live? Well I decided the best thing to do was to leave. Unfortunately the best thing to do was to leave the kids with Danny. He was a good dad, had a good job, and had a roof to keep over their heads. I didn't want to leave them, but I didn't want them to see us fighting all the time. When I moved out, I slept in my car, stayed at my friends. It was hard and I hated it so much. I just wanted to be with my kids. I have no job, no money, no stable place to live. I'm pretty much homeless at this point. What the hell was I suppose to do???

BOGUS PEOPLE

I love how people leave comments on my blog but can't say who they are. Why can't you say who you are? Why do you have to be "anonymous"? What are you scared of? If you can't say who you are then maybe you need to mind your own damn business and fuck off.

For someone to say "this is the most self-loathing piece of work" is completely wrong. How is me telling my life story self-loathing? It's not! I'm doing this to help break down walls and move on in life. I want to better myself and better the life of others around me. So for you people that want to continue to hate on me go right away. So you and your "anonymous" shit talkin ass can keep on keepin' on. Keep living your lame life. If you can't say who you are, then why comment? People need to learn how to express themselves, show their emotions and know there's nothing wrong with doing those things. PEACE OUT